When I started this blog, I knew I would eventually shed light to some of the darkness of my past.  As I’ve been taking this journey, I know that what brought me to this point is as important as the steps I’m taking to change.  Today is Christmas Eve.  For most this is a happy time filled with family and friends.  For some this is a sad time with thoughts of the past or no future at all.  This Christmas Eve I am home, alone.  Don’t feel sad for me though, I have chosen this as I know spending time alone is just as much a decision as spending time with other people.  But being by myself brings a lot of thoughts about years in the past, and I’ve come to a point in my life where I can share these thoughts with you.

You see, I’m depressed.  Not right at this moment, but I have lived with depression for many years.  At this point almost as far back as I can remember.  There were many years of masking and denial to my true feelings.  There has always been a select confidant who I have shared this pain with during the years, but I believe I’m safe to say that most people would have no idea the turmoil inside.  The majority of my teenage years I was under the impression I would “grow out of it.”  That never happened for me.  Instead I learned to live with it and negotiate with it.  All the commercials for anti-depressants which describe depression as a black cloud or a black dog or a black hole pretty much nail it on it’s head.  Depression is NOT a choice.  Depression is NOT a sign of weakness.  Depression is a disease that controls your wants and desires.  It holds you down trying to prevent you from living your life.

There are a few things that have helped me fight this battle that I want to discuss.  The first is anti-depressants.  This isn’t an option for everyone and the stigma of having to take these mood altering drugs is still strong in America.  I don’t believe they are a cure or even a solo fix for depression, but they are definitely under-rated.  They gave me hope.  They helped me get up in the morning.  They were that little push that got me out the door and into the world.  When I was not taking anti-depressants, I was a hermit.  If I could I would live in my little apartment 24/7.  I didn’t have the energy or even desire to clean up after myself and it got pretty ugly.  There were even days that my depression kept me from going to work.  My biggest fear was becoming debilitated by my depression and losing my job.  I knew this could happen because I had read and seen where this happened to others.  The only way I could start to consider making a change in my life and life style was becoming consistent with taking anti-depressants.

The second thing that has helped me fight is my friends and family.  Having people in your life is essential. A depressed person does not want to interact with other people.  They will fight tooth and nail to remain alone.  If there is someone in your life who you don’t hear from enough, or constantly pushes you away, don’t give up on them!  It may not be a personal attack on you but rather the personal attack is occurring within them.  I’ve had both friends and family come and go, but the ones who have stayed with me have given me a reason to want a better life for myself.  I struggle with the question, “Am I doing this for you or for me?”  And I’ve decided that I’m doing it for both.  You want me to be healthier, happier, and even if I don’t feel like I want that, I know deep down I will be forever thankful I made the change.

The final thing I want to talk about really should be my first.  I believe that the only reason I am here today is God has been helping me come to this point.  The prayers that my friends and family have prayed for me over the years were not said in vain.  Prayer is the key communication we have with God and countless times have I prayed for strength and He gave it to me.  I was privileged to grow up in a strong Christian family.  That foundation of beliefs has brought me through my darkest hours.  My depression made me angry with God.  It made me not want anything to do with Him.  But God never gave up on me!  My relationship with God has always been difficult.  A misconception regarding Christianity, you don’t need to do anything before you pray to God and ask to know Him better.  God doesn’t expect you to fix your issues or change your habits.  He wants to help you make those changes.

“Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord with find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.”
– Isaiah 40:28-31, NLT

This Christmas I don’t think about Santa or snowmen or reindeer.  I think about Jesus, my God, who came to earth so he can tell me “I know how you feel!”  The angels were right when they told the shepherds “Do not be afraid; I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people.” (Luke 2:10).  It is good news that Jesus came to this earth and He brought with him great joy that He will bring me through the dark times and give me the strength I need on this journey.  And notice in the text, “great joy to ALL people”.  You too can overcome whatever struggles you’re facing with God on your side.  I hope this Christmas you think about Jesus and the hope he has given to literally billions of people.  I was wrong, I am not alone this Christmas Eve.  Jesus is here with me.

Merry Christmas and God Bless!