I had the opportunity this last weekend to go to a book signing with a friend. I have never really gone to one before, at least I haven’t driven two hours to go to one before. This is actually a debut for this author, although he is well known for his internet blogs and non-profit organization. The book is called If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski. He wrote a short story, “To Write Love On Her Arms“, about ten years ago about a friend struggling with addiction, depression, self-injury, and suicidal thoughts. The story spread across the Internet and in 2006 the non-profit organization “To Write Love On Her Arms” was born to support and help those in similar situations as his friend. Before a couple weeks ago, I had never heard of him, his story, or the organization, but as I read more about their mission, I was moved and wanted to learn more. The title alone grabbed me so I got my autographed copy that I’m starting to read through. There are many times in my life where I have such a sensory overload of feelings, I become numb. Reading stories his thoughts and stories about his depression and others lives, I’m reminded that there are a lot of people out there who do understand and do survive every day.
If you’re like me, you are probably wondering where I have been the last two months and how my program went. Well, it definitely is an intense program. I was worried about the diet from the beginning because they basically list the foods you can eat and recommend to not vary from that list. For the first two weeks I was going to the workouts nearly every day. The full 60 minutes was killer. In all honesty by week three it stopped being fun and motivating for me. I was having a hard time with the diet and there was just discouragement all around and inside me. Another reason I stopped going was because I had a lot of other transitions in my life at that time and trying to keep up with this was the last straw. I didn’t feel bad about the money or anything, I knew what I was dishing out. I just wasn’t ready or in a right place to commit 100%, but it was a good learning experience for me.
As I just mentioned, I’ve had a lot of transitions in my life the last couple months. My first transition was changing therapists. It became a much more emotional transition than I was initially expecting. Although I had been only seeing my previous therapist for six months, I had developed a very close bond with her. I had known she would be leaving from day one, maternity leave gets planned quite far ahead of time, but I still felt like I was losing a close friend. There were some last minute changes with who I would start seeing next which made me very anxious for a couple weeks, but eventually I met my new therapist. Change is never easy, but we have to change in order to grow. Still reeling from the heartbreak, I had a hard time warming up to my new therapist. It’s been quite a few weeks now, and emotions have settled. The big question will be who do I want to continue seeing if/when my previous therapist returns from maternity leave. That’s quite far away, so I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
The other significant transition in my life was at work. In some respects not a whole lot of was changing. My main impact was adjusting to a new boss. I also had advance notice of this occurring, but I couldn’t imagine what it would look like. There is some ambiguity around the definition of my role, but generally I’m doing the same thing I was before. It could have been a lot worse, well bigger, but it wasn’t. This wasn’t as stressful to me, but it was still one more thing on my plate to deal with.
What do I have coming up? This week is actually a special week for me. Thursday is my birthday. Every year my birthday seems so surreal. This year won’t be any different. I have some plans with friends, nothing too extravagant. Next year will be the big 3-0… how did I get this old?
I’m currently sorting my thoughts regarding exercise and developing a new plan of attack. My next step is actually to do a 5K next Sunday. I signed up totally spur of the moment, but I’m looking forward to it. It is a run/walk 5K, so I don’t feel pressured about time, although I do have a number in mind. There were a few incentives to signing up, one being the race shirt is a pretty teal green color and two they will be giving everyone medals for finishing. This was something that I was really disappointed with my races last year. I never got a medal because there was also another farther race at the same time who would receive the medals. I wanted something to remind me of my accomplishment. Anyway, with all this being said, the next few blogs may not mention my exercise. Not because I won’t be doing anything, but rather it’s feeling very personal at the moment. I’m continuing on a journey of self-awareness which I detoured to last year. I want to write, but I don’t want the pressure right now to always be positive regarding progress or negative regarding failures. I just need to see where my mind takes me. As I stated in the title, I feel too much and I need to understand and decipher my feelings for a little while. You will hear from me again, so until next time…