Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been


For those of you who don’t know, I love rock music!  Now I’m not talking classic rock from the 70s and 80s, but rather alternative rock from the 90s to today.  My true favorite genre though is Christian Rock.  Yes, there is such a thing.  Some of my favorite bands are Kutless, Relient K, RED, Skillet, Jars of Clay, Audio Adrenaline, and the list could go on.

Every so often I hear a song that explains my feelings and experiences so well it literally makes me cry.  I had probably “heard” this song many times as I’ve had the CD for many years, but it wasn’t until a couple months ago did I really hear it for the first time.  It explains so perfectly my struggle with depression and how I feel about all the changes I’ve made in my life.  The song is “Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been” by Relient K and below are the lyrics.  If you want to listen to the song, I’ve also included a YouTube video with the lyrics.

Relient K – Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I’m losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics

Cause I don’t want you to know where I am
Cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there! That’s exactly where I lost it
See that line? Where I never should’ve crossed it
Stop right there! Where I never should’ve said that
It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I’m sorry for the person I became
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change
I’m ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I’ve been
Who I am hates who I’ve been

I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn’t keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside
Have finally begun to create so much pressure
That I’m about to blow up

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can’t let that happen again
Cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there! That’s exactly where I lost it
See that line? I never should’ve crossed it
Stop right there! I never should’ve said that
It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back
(Repeat)

I’m sorry for the person I became
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change
I’m ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I’ve been
Who I am hates who I’ve been

Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance You gave me
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘Cause who I’ve been only ever made me

So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I’m ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I’ve been
Who I am hates who I’ve been

So, what do you think?  The line that stood out the most the first time I heard it is “I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change. I’m ready to make sure I never become that way again.”  It wasn’t until this last year since I’ve been taking my Prozac that I’ve realized how I was in my deepest depression just three years ago.  I closed myself off from my friends and family. Time had essentially stopped in my life.  I wasn’t moving forward, I was just letting life pass me by expecting something to change without taking any action to change it.

My favorite line of the song is “And who I am will take the second chance You gave me.”  This is my second chance to live my life and it has been given to me by God. Am I making the most of it?  Am I doing what God would want me to do?  I want to believe I am!  I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.  I feel the most fulfilled in everything I do.  I’m on cloud nine!

So what in my life has put me on cloud nine?  Well, although I haven’t been progressing with my running in the last couple weeks, I’ve started another exercise routine.  Back in the fall of 2011, I thought I was ready to lose weight.  I found a personal trainer online (Forest Vance Training) and started meeting with him.  We really hit it off and I enjoyed every workout I slaved through.  But I soon realized I wasn’t ready to make the lifestyle changes I needed to make.  After a couple months I stopped meeting with him but in the back of my mind planned to come back some day when I was ready.

Last month I decided I was ready so I reached out to him and joined one of his semi-private training groups.  There’s just four of us which is the perfect size, and we meet each Tuesday and Thursday morning at 6 am.  I’ve never felt so sore, but also I’ve never felt so good.  It’s the accountability I need and the camaraderie that keeps it fun.  I’ve gone three times now and know I’m sticking with it.

In the spirit of stepping out of my comfort zone, a few weeks ago I posed question on a neighborhood social network site to find a neighbor who would be interested in walking or running with me.  Sure enough a lady messaged me back.  It took a couple weeks for us to make time to meet, but I finally met her tonight.  We took an hour long walk and chatted the whole time.  We have a lot in common and can really relate to each other.  She is not a runner, but wants to be.  So together were going to start running.  I’m so excited to have a running partner and a neighborhood friend.

I’m a little nervous I’m making myself too busy, but I don’t want to become who I’ve been.  I’ll remain aware of how I feel and I know I can adjust my schedule or skip a day if I need a break.  But for now, I am full of energy!  Not my own energy, but God’s energy in me!

“For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me.”
Colossians 1:29 (ESV)

About these ads
Leave a comment

1 Comment

  1. joyce

     /  April 25, 2014

    Hi Sara,
    Good for you going back to your personal trainer. It really helps you step up your game when someone else is telling you what to do and keeps encouraging you to actually do it. You are right about music…it can be an excellent motivational tool to get that body going. Have a good weekend. Aunt Joyce

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 141 other followers

%d bloggers like this: