I know, that’s what everyone has been wondering… Where have I been? How am I doing? When am I going to write another post? I’ve gotten this question from so many people, I think it’s time to come out of my shell and speak up. I don’t exactly know what I’m going to say, but I do know this is the most difficult post I’ve written yet. I’m so nervous about being honest but I need the accountability more than ever before.
So how have I been doing… not well. I’m sure you could’ve guessed that. When I become a recluse and cut off communication, I’m actually revealing my depression. I eventually realize the state that I’m in and the decision I need to make: continue down the path I’m on, or make a change in my mindset and routine. I mentioned in my last post that I’m in denial. I was hoping that by being honest about my denial I could move on to acceptance and change, but as much as I wanted to, I wasn’t ready. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready now. I’m hoping this post can help me work out whatever I need to, or at least start the process.
What is the problem? I don’t know for sure, but here are the facts. I haven’t been to a Weight Watchers meeting in over a month. I haven’t been running, or even walking, in weeks. I am still going to my personal trainer sessions, sometimes, but not as often as I had planned to. My weekends have been busy off and on for a number of weeks. When I’m not busy, I’m trying to recharge at home. But that’s where I find myself falling into old depressive habits. Sitting down all day in front of the TV. Mindless shopping on Amazon. Binge eating on whatever sweets I can find in the house, and there’s a whole lot more than there should be. Eating every meal at the drive thru, soda is a given. Basically, I’m up at least 5-10 lbs and I’m sliding out of control.
The first question you must want to ask me is, Are you still taking your Prozac? Yes! Not at exactly the same time every day, but I am taking it every day. Although it is a happy pill, a wonder drug, it’s not the be-all and end-all for me. I know this is more psychological than physiological right now. I’ve given up. That’s it, that’s the honest truth. I have given up trying to lose weight and become healthy. I have lost my mojo, my drive, my reason for going down this road. I’m not giving up on life, it hasn’t come to that yet, but I’ve put my mind on cruise control and steering just enough to stay on the road.
I need a jump start. I need to wake up from this foggy dream. I need something to change and I’m not exactly sure what. All I know is I can’t do it alone, because that’s what I’ve been trying to do for weeks now and it hasn’t been working. I need help in the form of prayers and encouragement. It’s going to be rough getting going again, but God will give me the push that I need. The words of David express so perfectly His consistent support to our cries for help…
I will praise the Lord at all times.
I will constantly speak his praises.
I will boast only in the Lord;
let all who are helpless take heart.
Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;
let us exalt his name together.
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
he saved me from all my troubles.
For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him.
Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.
Come, my children, and listen to me,
and I will teach you to fear the Lord.
Does anyone want to live a life
that is long and prosperous?
Then keep your tongue from speaking evil
and your lips from telling lies!
Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right;
his ears are open to their cries for help.
But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil;
he will erase their memory from the earth.
The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;
not one of them is broken!
Calamity will surely destroy the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be punished.
But the Lord will redeem those who serve him.
No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.
~ Psalm 34 (NLT)